Much like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters, I lie twitching feebly, coating in noxious green funk. Mac Reed meme’d me! Dammit! I managed to resist for a couple of days (with the help of Johnny Walker Gold … ahhh … kills the pain…)
Apparently, this originated with Will Campbell here. Or maybe here at 8763 Wonderland. Whatever. It’s insidious. You follow this thing – and it just keeps going
Now that you’ve read this, you must add your faves to this ever-growing list… you are feeling meme-y, very meme-y…
Four Jobs I’ve Had In My Life in LA:
– Paparazzi
– Location Manager on a infomercial starring Bruce Jenner
– Quality control at a refinery in Bellflower (one of the most alarming jobs I’ve ever had – I swear, every day that that place doesn’t erupt in a neighborhood-shattering fireball is a goddam miracle)
– Nameless, soulless drone in the Disney hive in Burbank. Even typing those words saps my will to live.
Four Movies About LA I Could Watch Over And Over:
– Repo Man – "Otto? Otto Parts?" "John Wayne was a fag!"
– Chinatown – "My sister! My daughter!"
– Nickelodeon (the one with Brian Keith, Burt Reynolds and Ryan O’Neill, not the dingy cartoon channel)because it’s about the people who came out here and pretty much by accident, invented the movie biz. Even if Keith’s little soliloquy at the end is hammy, it’s still a neat reminder of … well, I don’t know if I’d term it an innocent age, but a more innocent age?
– The Rocketeer – Jennifer Connolly in a sheer silky white gown will freakin’ carbonate your hormones. Almost painfully beautiful.
Four Places I’ve Lived All Over L.A. (With Food Memories From Each):
– Point Dume – just down the PCH was Trancas *(long gone and replaced by a Starbucks), a sawdust-on-the-floor joint where I watched Roseanna Barr and Tom Arnold eat a lobster the size of Rodan the Flying Monster. The place was a real hidden gem – a throwback to when Malibu wasn’t "The ‘Bu" and non-moguls could afford homes. On Monday Nights, you could watch football, have a cold one, and then stick around and watch the local famous musicians show up and noodle around on stage. Where else could you see Eddie Van Halen jamming with Frank Zappa?
– Borderlands of LA/WeHo/Beverly near the Beverly Center – the Fatburger (also long gone) in that little triangular island where San Vicente cuts across. On Friday afternoons, the villanous Cuban grillman with a big gold tooth and the sunken knuckles of a seasoned bar brawler, would take college and NFL action from a menagerie of rumpled, sweaty, fat, bald Damon Runyon characters. He also made the best Kingburger with chili and cheese in the city – one of the ingredients probably being the aforementioned degenerate gamblers.
– Long Beach – the Volcano off 4th St. (?) Dunno if this is still there, but late at night, the hot young Latina waitresses would get hammered on rum & cokes and start dancing topless on the counter. Good times, man, good times.
– Brentwood – San Gennaro. A throwback Italian eatery, where the chief cook is a chubby Italian mama, who browbeats the skinny, terrified kitchen staff into stirring the pasta sauce faster! Faster!
Four LA-Themed Shows I Love(d) To Watch:
– The Beverly Hillbillies. I was never so thrilled as when I saw the Clampett Mansion in Bel Aire, right next door to Reagan’s old place on 666 St. Cloud. I wanted to go in and check out the "fancy eatin’ room" and see if there were any crawdads in the "cement pond."
– The X-Files – Yeah, I know that the show jumped the shark when it came to L.A. Big deal. It was great enough before that to make up for it. Bite me.
– Action! – the pure hatred for Hollywood and cynicism about everyone connected to the Business Which is Show seeped right out of the TV and caused my cat to develop scabies. After which, he got a gig subbing for Joan on the red carpet.
– 24 – When are those goddam terrorists ever going to get their shit together and actually nuke this place? Huh? Christ. We could use a break from the relentless real-estate prices, y’know get some more product on the shelf…
Four Places I Would Vacation At In LA:
– The Bel-Air hotel. So I can start a fire in the fireplace even in the summer time and then crank up the air conditioner. Also, I once saw Cindy Crawford nekkid there.
– Some hotel near Disneyland. It’s unimportant which one. They’re all the same. And if you squint just right, all the people marching through the gates look like the kids on the conveyer belt in Pink Floyd’s "The Wall."
– In the Howard Hughes suite atop the Regent Beverly Wilshire. Where I will let my beard and fingernails grow. I wonder if the rug there still stinks, faintly, of Hairy Old Dude Funk.
– At the Scientology Celebrity Center on Franklin. You may laugh, but when I emerge, I will be able to bend space and time to my will, levitating above the traffic, and thus saving a boodle on my commute time and gas bill. That is, if I can avoid the Lava Men.
Four LA-Based Websites I Visit Daily:
– LaVoice.org
– Defamer
– BoingBoing
– Laobserved
Four Of My Favorite Foods Found In LA:
Jesus Christ, were you guys hungry when you came up with this meme list, or what?
– Chasen’s chili – probably now only found in cryogenic storage at Liz Taylor’s.
– The 18-ounce steak with cherry-wine sauce at 17 Market Street. It ain’t there any more, but my mouth still remembers it. Fondly.
– Chocolate Turtle ice cream at Lappert’s near the pier in Huntington. This is the only outpost of this Kauai stand I know of. One ice cream cone has so much butterfat in it that it’s like a meal. You won’t be hungry for days.
– The Celebrity Omelet at the Chateau Marmont. They only make this for celebs that stay at their hotel – everyone else can go screw, apparently. I don’t know what all they put in it, but it’s something that should be on MTV Cribs. Best thing to have when you’re nursing a hangover from the nearby (and also shuttered) Coconut Teaszer.
Four Places In LA I Would Rather Be Right Now:
– Bobbing in the surf at Nichols Canyon – the most deserted break on the Malibu strip. Not the best. Just the one that attracts non-dickheads.
– Floating in the pool atop the Peninsula Hotel.
– Dangling out of a helicopter, doing shoulder rolls over the Hollywood Hills with a long lens camera around my neck.
– Throwing popcorn at the screen while watching blooper reels in the screening room on the 3rd floor of Shane Black’s mansion